Being a mum is a gift I never thought I’d have, but had always dreamed of. Every day I am grateful for the opportunity to watch our son grow and develop into a little boy. It’s a privilege many take for granted. I am grateful for this miracle of growing and raising a child.
But that doesn’t make it easy! My gratitude doesn’t stop me from feeling overwhelmed. It doesn’t stop me from wanting to be in a small, dark, quiet room on my own some days. At times I yearn to hide somewhere, where no one can touch me or need anything from me. For short moments in my journey of being a parent I get the overwhelming feeling of being suffocated by motherhood!
My day is spent playing, interacting and stimulating my nearly 8 month old baby. Watching him cruise along the furniture and hover in my seat when he falls over…. do I run and check he’s ok ? I don’t want to make him think he should be upset. But what if he’s hurt! When do you intervene, whilst they explore the world around them?
Alongside this, we have the nappy changing Olympic wrestling….every time!! Fighting a wet octopus dipped in coconut oil would be easier.
Of course I have the constant battle of tidying up, washing, cooking, cleaning up after cooking, cleaning up after baby has eaten. Baby-led weaning is brilliant and I love it! But the mess!, And then trying to find time to eat myself, never mind that cup of tea I’ve microwaved 5 times already and still not taken a sip.
Naps – well these only ever seem to be taken at times when I can’t take full advantage of them. In the car, in the sling, on a walk or at baby group.
Time is something I just no longer have for myself. I end the days exhausted and touched out. I don’t want any more physical contact with anyone unless they are giving me a full body massage. Then you have that moment where you can’t decide whether to a) go to bed because you are so tired (but bed share so know your baby will climb over you the second he senses your presence); or b) make the most of being baby free, enjoying some quality adult time and a bit of time with your partner. But what you actually do is run round doing all those bits you didn’t manage when baby was awake. Your every thought and action is taken over by your child and their needs. You then try and somehow shoehorn in your partner’s and your relationship’s needs (this is a whole other page!). Your needs fall off the end somewhere.
I have no time for me – I give all I have to motherhood. My aim as a mum is to find a better balance of me being a mum-wife-homemaker and me. I’ve not yet worked out how, but I’ll keep searching for a way.
Contributed by Kizzy Coll-Catts